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which is more important to you?
cheese 28%  28%  [ 5 ]
ink 11%  11%  [ 2 ]
crayons 17%  17%  [ 3 ]
lava lamps 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
coasters 6%  6%  [ 1 ]
batteries 17%  17%  [ 3 ]
I can't live with out my sledge-o-matic 22%  22%  [ 4 ]
Total votes : 18
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 Post subject: Advice column
PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2003 5:46 pm 
Closet Thespian
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I just had this thought from another forum and it was cute and i would love to see what some people would say.....Give three of the most pronounced advice/tips/anidotes etc. that you have come to at your age...if you feel so inclined include you age.

Example:
Never let mommy brush your hair after yelling at daddy.
Never ask daddy to do your hair.
Always flush, brush, and floss.
Lily 5yr.

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Nothing is fucked here dude!

He's bringing the sloe clap back.

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 Post subject: Hi.
PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2003 8:27 pm 
Drama Queen
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Always check behind you before sitting on the toilet at night.
Never rent a movie called Rocky Horror Picture Show, GO WATCH IT LIVE!!!
If you know a 6' 8" pirate named Matt, you do not want to hear his worst joke ever.
Whitney

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2003 10:28 am 
dude, matt, what is your worst joke eve


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2003 3:03 pm 
Goddess Lindsay
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-Always sample food before you salt or pepper it. (this can also be aplied to real life.
-If all else fails, KICK IT IN THE NUTS!
-"When Berry is gaming, Your Harry Potter DVDs are on the fritz, Dot's too drunk to notice, and you're out of Jolt, always remember that I am here, 50 miles away." :smooch:

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2003 3:05 pm 
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mouse wrote:
dude, matt, what is your worst joke eve


Probably something along the lines of...

What did the white jew say to the black jew?
Hey you, get to the back of the oven!

That got a nice round of shocked silence from the cast and audience, let me tell ya...:lol:

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 Post subject: Yeah...
PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2003 3:54 pm 
Drama Queen
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Not to mention the fact that Lee, Sarah, and Lauren wanted to kick his ass.
Whitney

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 Post subject: Re: Yeah...
PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2003 3:57 pm 
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whitefeatherswan wrote:
Not to mention the fact that Lee, Sarah, and Lauren wanted to kick his ass.


And if they all stood on top of each other, they might even be able to reach it...:wink:

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2003 6:10 pm 
Closet Thespian
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Hey, we have Jess and Shannon too.
We could at least reach somewhere near his midsection.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:30 pm 
hey, Im jewish, but i think its funny. Horrible, disgusting, and shocking, but funny. The kind of thing i think is halairous but feel really guilty for laughing at. BTW kudos for offending jews, blacks, and non-racist whites all in two sentences.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2003 9:01 pm 
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I suggest never telling a big bald taoist jew any nazi jokes especially when he has the market cornered on issues

More general advice:
1 When a woman is looking her worst tell her how gorgeous she is. If you can't tell her then keep your damn mouth shut.
2 If a friend want to borrow money make sure you never want it back
3 Never lick anyone you wouldn't go down on.
4 Use a condom when ever you have sex. You really shouldn't have sex with some one you wouldn't want to fuck with out one
5 Love every one you can (love not sleep with.)

Lee

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2003 2:31 am 
Goddess Lindsay
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Hey, I'm not racist, but I can laugh at a joke like that and not take it seriously. You know, I know, everyone knows that Matt is not racist. So what's the big fucking deal? No one around here is going to chuck a Jew into an oven, or slap some black guy and tell him to get to the back of a bus. For the most part jokes like that, that one in particular, are designed to show what fuckwads the racist people who did that sort of thing are.

Besides, Matt's worst joke is the one... damn I can't remember the first line, but the punch line is, "I don't know about you, but I get an erection."

-Lindsay
How does every racist joke start?
*look left, look right*
Ok, so, this one time...

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2003 7:14 am 
Closet Thespian
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Quote:
"When Berry is gaming, Your Harry Potter DVDs are on the fritz, Dot's too drunk to notice, and you're out of Jolt, always remember that I am here, 50 miles away." :smooch:

I Miss my pookie bear! :cry:

but on to my advice.

Bad days are sometimes unavoidable, wether they be based on hair, work, cars, police officers, other drivers, family, friends, or lovers. (HAIR)Get nice hat, (WORK)breathe and think about either a) retirement or b) winning the lotto, (CAR)at least you have one look at the guy walking down the street, (5-o) nothing really just smile and try to get out fast as you can, (AUSTINDRIVERS) leave fifteen minutes early and be prepared for at least 3 dumb asses on the fourth let them have it finger wise, (FAMILY) you don't have to like them to love them call urban family have talk, (FRIENDS) what is so bad to lose a friendhip over?, and (love) dependig on phase....drink heavily, take Lindsay's advice, remember ladies this is the age of technology, and get a pet.

LADIES>>>>Ain't no thang ladies do your thang just make sure your ahead of the game...GUYS>>>>>Repeat after me Don't hate the player, hate the game
.

and the most important one of all....
when your shaky friend runs out of batteries and you must replace DO NOT TAKE THEM FROM YOUR ALRM CLOCK! You will be late the next day, take them from your remote, or walkman HELLO!


Lisa "I have no daddy but if you try really hard, tie me up slap me around and make me your naughty little girl i'll call you Big PAPA" Marie

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Nothing is fucked here dude!

He's bringing the sloe clap back.

Who am I now \m/ :booze: \m/


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2003 11:44 am 
Goddess Lindsay
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flirtydeadgirl wrote:
(CAR)at least you have one look at the guy walking down the street


Hey look! It's Lindsay!

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This is my business ladies and gentlemen. And business is good.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2003 11:51 am 
Transylvanian
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PhireFreak wrote:

Besides, Matt's worst joke is the one... damn I can't remember the first line, but the punch line is, "I don't know about you, but I get an erection."

[/i]


I belive the line you are looking for is, "What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby?"

However, "Baby" can be substituted with "Puppy" for formal occasions.

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2003 10:06 pm 
Transylvanian
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Quote:
I suggest never telling a big bald taoist jew any nazi jokes especially when he has the market cornered on issues


I was saying that the problem was mine not Matt's but that it is polite to remember other people's issues when telling a joke

Lee

Now they got me being al mushy -- me


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2003 11:09 am 
Closet Thespian
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now I'm confused seven ways to Sunday. Matt-you told me your worst joke was about the beating heart at the tip of your penis (in relation to raping babies). Now everyone else is bringing up jokes you told THEM were your worst jokes...
I THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL!!! ~sob~ HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS?

Of course, I never considered that we are talking about Matt and he is inevitably going to have a plethera of disgusting jokes. And absolutely no discretion to accompany them.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2003 2:43 pm 
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i like to think that matt is in a place of constant evolution, what may be his worst joke today, will be replaced with one even more vulgar and disturbing in nature tomorrow. he is a man with no limits, god bless ya matt, you and your foul, tastless jokes...
--heart beating at the tip of the penis, *snickers to self* i gotta tell the baldwin barbies THAT one!

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2003 5:26 pm 
Drag Diva
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With all this helpful advice, I think it is appropriate to ask, How do you prevent charlie horses? I woke up to one this morning and as soon as it went away, I got another one. This happened like 7 times in a row. My leg is all sorts of sore now... :(

Brittany

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2003 5:49 pm 
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Take a multi-vitamin/mineral. They tend to be caused by low levels of Calcium, Magnesium, and Potassium.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2003 10:11 pm 
Drag Diva
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...or cut off your legs.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2003 10:25 pm 
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Watched Boxing Helena one too many times?

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2003 10:27 pm 
Drag Diva
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I've learned...

I've learned that if you're over 30 and something a teenaged friend suggests sounds like fun, it's probably a bad, bad idea.

I've learned to be careful when grabbing for the tube of hemorrhoid cream when you're groggy.

I've learned to never, EVER ask "What else can go wrong?"

I've learned that a person who habitually says "Trust me" should never be trusted.

I've learned that when a person says "I know what I'm doing," he doesn't have the foggiest fucking clue what he'd doing.

I've learned that when Life gives you lemons, take those lemons and shove them right up Life's bitch ass.

I've learned never to cook bacon when you're naked.

I've learned that it's better to regret something you HAVE done than to regret something you HAVEN'T done.

I've learned that unlike physical wounds, if you DON'T pick at emotional scabs, they'll never heal.

I've learned that an unexamined life is not worth living, and an unlived life is not worth examining.

I've learned that no matter how much everybody loves you, there's at least one person out there who thinks you're an asshole.

I've learned that though it's always darkest before the dawn, you could still die before morning.

I've learned that the deepest pain is in never getting the chance to tell someone you're sorry.

I've learned that you can be rich and still be unhappy, but it's better than being poor and unhappy.

I've learned that there are two secrets to success: #1, never reveal everything you know.

I've learned that if idle hands are the Devil's playthings, I sure wish he'd stop touching my dick.

I've learned that no situation is so bad that a well-trained, experienced attorney can't make it much, much worse.

I've learned that you're truest friends often are the hardest to bear, as they are the ones who will tell you when you're full of shit.

I've learned never to underestimate the ability of some idiot to fuck everything up.

I've learned that I've learned way too damned much to be this fucked-up.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2003 2:07 am 
Transylvanian
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I've learned that collecting sayings off the internet and putting them on t-shirts can sometimes make money.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2003 4:50 am 
Drag Diva
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Boys suck! But it's okay, cause I've also learned I love them anyway.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2003 5:06 am 
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I have learned that being easily amused, is the best way to be, you can always find entertainment in all sorts of odd places.

I've learned that having friends is the most important thing in life.

I've learned that all families are dysfunctional.

I've learned that it's ok to be an outcast, because there will always be someone around that sucks more than you do.

I've learned that imperfections are what gives you character.

I've learned that art is an escape from reality.

I've learned that I am the Queen of cliques.


Brittany

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