I'm sure someone around here might need this one day....
This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _______ (DD/MM/YY) by ___________ and _____________.
This agreement shall cover the following rules and principles:
1. No sleeping over -- unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9pm -- we don't have anything to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" crap -- only sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance -- that is why you are called the "backup," unless you're from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted -- including money.
8. No baby talk -- however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers -- it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges," we are not friends, just bed buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is okay -- don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing -- I don't want you leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex -- it's over, so get up, get dressed and go home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it -- I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
17. Doggie style is the preferred position -- the less eye contact, the better.
18. NO condoms, NO sex.
19. Bring your own drink -- I am not a liquor store.
20. No phone use, please -- I don't want anyone calling back looking for you.
21. If going to a hotel room, we either split the cost, or alternate who's paying... you pay this time, I pay next.
22. Don't bring any of your friends with you, unless they're gonna join the party.
* Extra tip for successful booty calls:
The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void, and you will then be removed from the Booty Call List and deleted from phone memory and e-mail list. In other words, you will be blocked from all communications until you understand the rules.
"When you expose your stupidity, you give yourself the chance to have it caught, corrected and replaced with wisdom."
This is my business ladies and gentlemen. And business is good.