BREAKING: gay marriage destroys Iowa
Des Moines (AP)--Iowa society plunged into chaos as county recorders began issuing marriage licenses to same-couples on Monday morning.
Residents across the state called 911 to report the breakdown of traditional society. In Ames, gay zombies dressed in tight muscle shirts prompted Iowa State University officials to cancel classes. While only a handful of zombie attacks were reported, an Iowa State spokeswoman stated that campus was closed as a "precautionary measure."
Sophomore mechanical engineering major Justin Lambert reported that one male zombie looked at him funny after he came out of the campus rec center. "This kind of shit is supposed to happen in Iowa City, but not here," Lambert said. "I'm going back to my room now to play video games."
Lambert's girlfriend, freshman Stacey Hoffmeier, addead that one female zombie "said something about playing rugby and then jumped into a waiting Subaru. She looked so much like us, it was creepy."
Governor Chet Culver called an emergency press conference in Des Moines to discuss the crisis, but quickly ran offstage after a conga line entered the room singing "All I Owe Ioway"
from State Fair. "Isn't it just fabulous?" one singer asked Des Moines Register reporter Reid Forgrave.
In Davenport, homemaker Laura Lewis was despondent. "I just saw two men holding hands in front of the courthouse," she said. "My marriage of 30 years will never be same. I don't think I can ever have sex with my husband again."
Meanwhile, DVD retailers across the state reported finding copies of Field of Dreams lying on floors early in the morning, with the words "Build chapels and they will come"
scrawled on the front. Steve Stevenson, the owner of an independent video store in Dubuque, expressed concern that gays would use eminent domain to turn his property into a "house of sin," as he rang up a customer's purchase of "The Complete 7th Season of Will and Grace."
"When will it ever end?" he asked. "When will it ever end?"